To The Woman Who Just Found Out She’s Miscarrying

tampa blogger ayana lage discusses miscarriage awareness

Faith Danielle Photography

To the woman who is miscarrying,

You’ve just experienced the worst day of your life. Maybe you saw blood in your underwear and just knew something was terribly wrong. Or maybe — like me — you were blissfully unaware, excited to hear your baby’s heartbeat, when you saw the expression on the doctor’s face change and your heart sunk.

I stopped drinking, avoided caffeine, took prenatals, gave up raw sushi, got enough sleep, ate my vegetables and stopped eating deli meat, only to find out that my pregnancy wasn’t viable. If it were possible to persuade the universe to grant us healthy babies thanks to good behavior, we’d both be happily pregnant, preparing a nursery and buying baby clothes. It’s terribly unfair, isn’t it?

I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry for the physical pain. Why didn’t anyone tell us that it hurts like hell?

I’m sorry for the blood. So much blood. I’m sorry you have to watch blood clots swirl down the toilet drain.

I’m sorry you’ll have to open the pregnancy apps that brought you so much joy and find the dreaded “Report a Loss” section to stop the emails about the baby’s progress.

I’m sorry you might feel bad about the weight you gained now that there’s no baby. I’m sorry that every glance in the mirror is a reminder of what could’ve been.

I’m sorry for all of the people you’ll have to tell.

And if you hadn’t told anyone in the first place, I’m sorry that you’ll have to deal with this alone.

I’m sorry for the dumb comments you’ll get. At least you know you can get pregnant! It must’ve been God’s will. My friend miscarried much later than you, so it could be worse. 

I’m sorry that your optimism has been stolen — that you’ll hold your breath every second of the next pregnancy, knowing precisely how many things can go wrong.

I’m sorry that people will expect you to just get over it.

I’m sorry that you’ll feel a twinge of pain every time you see a pregnancy announcement on social media.

I mourn with you. My heart aches for you. I grieve your baby with you, whether you were 4 weeks pregnant or 40 weeks pregnant. The loss of a wanted pregnancy is an agony that’s impossible to imagine until you’ve experienced it.

Here’s what I want you to know: One day, you will wake up, and you won’t think about your baby the entire day. It may be next week, or it may be several years from now. You will feel terribly guilty and wonder if maybe you weren’t cut out for motherhood, anyway. What kind of woman forgets her own baby?

But here’s what I’ve learned: You can grieve your baby until the day that you die without committing to a life of misery. It doesn’t make you a bad person to feel less sad over time; it makes you human. But right now, honor your sadness. Make space for it. Feel it fully.

I’m so sorry.

 

Leave a Comment

30 Comments

  1. Sophie wrote:

    Thank you so much, I felt like some one else understands my pain and doesn’t just expect me to go back to work that same day let alone same week. That feeling of emptiness, that feeling of sitting in a dark space at 3:46am crying to yourself. I am so glad this has found me. Thank you♡

    I am so sorry for yours you are not alone and I send you hugs and so much love ♡

    Posted 2.20.21 Reply
    • Ayana Lage wrote:

      Sophie, I’m so sorry for your pain. I hope you’re doing okay right now — it’s okay to grieve and mourn for as long as you need.

      Posted 4.14.21 Reply
  2. Samantha wrote:

    Thank you for posting this. ❤️

    Posted 3.7.22 Reply
  3. Sadia wrote:

    I just need to be hugged. Felt like I’m reading my own thoughts. Thank you for writing this powerful piece.

    Posted 3.8.22 Reply
    • Ayana Lage wrote:

      Sending so much love your way, Sadia.

      Posted 3.21.22 Reply
    • Taylor G wrote:

      Sadia, I feel your pain. This unfortunate loss has taught me that no one can fully understand this grief unless they’ve experienced it as well. I’m sorry you are going through this, you are not alone. I am angry and bitter. I am fighting back tears at work. I am scrolling through FB and seeing pregnancy announcement and gender reveals. Each one is like a punch in the gut. I don’t like the person I am at this time but I believe I can get through this and hopefully one day I can write an amazing blog such as this and help women like us. Sending you a virtual hug and a reminder that you’re a strong woman. -Taylor

      Posted 5.6.22 Reply
  4. Madelyn Montoya wrote:

    Thank you for this!

    Posted 3.25.22 Reply
  5. Taylor G wrote:

    I feel validated in my grief. I am sorry you had to experience a similar loss. Thank you for your kind heart.

    Posted 5.6.22 Reply
  6. Samantha wrote:

    Thank you 💔

    Posted 5.27.22 Reply
  7. Annie wrote:

    Thank you so much. This is spot on. I was the same way – went in for a routine ultrasound, had no idea my hopes and dreams were about to be crushed. For a while I felt like I would never be happy again. And I still feel jealous when I see pregnancy announcements on social media; then immediately feel horribly guilty for resenting my friends’ happiness. I hate myself for being like this, but I can’t help but look at other women around me and think “She’s a terrible mom. I would have been a much better mother. Why does she get to have a healthy baby and I don’t?” I know that’s so toxic, and I don’t want to feel that way. It sucks.

    Posted 12.15.22 Reply
    • Ayana Lage wrote:

      Hi Annie, I’m so sorry for your loss. I went through the EXACT same process — the resentment, the jealousy, all of it. It feels cliche to say that it gets better, but I’m nearly four years out and life is so different now. I wish I would’ve known then that I would be able to heal one day. I’m sending you healing thoughts!

      Posted 1.9.23 Reply
  8. Tracy wrote:

    Thank you so much for this. Everything you said embodies what I’m feeling (and have been feeling) the past few weeks. As tough as this is, it helps to know we’re not alone. Sending love and support to everyone going through miscarriage / pregnancy loss ❤️

    Posted 4.27.23 Reply
  9. Kalli wrote:

    Thank you so much for this. It’s exactly how I’ve been feeling. I’m crying less and less each day but I’m terrified of telling people because it’ll bring up that pain again.

    Posted 5.7.23 Reply
    • Ayana Lage wrote:

      I’m so sorry, Kalli. Sending love your way!

      Posted 5.15.23 Reply
  10. CB. wrote:

    Thank you. I can’t see through my tears right now, but your words are so helpful.

    Posted 5.13.23 Reply
    • Ayana Lage wrote:

      Sending love & healing vibes. ❤️

      Posted 5.15.23 Reply
  11. Jordan wrote:

    Thank you for this

    Posted 5.24.23 Reply
  12. Brianah G wrote:

    Oh I needed this so much, thank you.. I haven’t been able to stop crying since it happened yesterday 😭💔

    Posted 6.26.23 Reply
  13. Tina wrote:

    Great post. We just found out today that her heat stopped. It’s so very hard right now. Hope that you all continue to heal.

    Posted 7.4.23 Reply
  14. Emma wrote:

    I’m 19 and I’m so lost because of this. I know I’m young, but I had excepted it and I was so excited. I have BPD and I feel things so unbelievably hard and I don’t know how I’m ever supposed to get over losing my baby. I wasn’t super far along, and it was nice to hear you support those people too. I knew there wasn’t even a heartbeat yet, but I talked to my baby everyday. I begged him/her to keep going and to stay strong. I feel like everyone who knew has moved on and encouraged me too, but I just can’t yet. It saved me. I have never worked so hard as a person to be the best that I can be. I had never felt so motivated. I don’t understand and probably never will, but this made me not feel so alone. It made me feel like I will be okay one day. Thank you

    Posted 7.6.23 Reply
    • Ayana Lage wrote:

      I’m so sorry, Emma. Hope you’re doing okay.

      Posted 8.7.23 Reply
  15. Lindsey wrote:

    I am so thankful I stumbled upon this. I found out today, and the heartbreak is unimaginable. Thank you for writing a post so close to what I and I imagine others are going through.

    Posted 8.9.23 Reply
  16. Meagan D wrote:

    Thank you for sharing your story and writing this message! It has helped me feel less alone! I sit here at work only 4 days after my miscarriage wondering if it will ever get better and if my heart will ever stop hurting. I can’t stop hating everything because it is a reminder of what could have been. Hating the future because I know it will not be how I planned. The moment I found out I was pregnant I stopped living for myself and started living for the baby. Everyday was a day closer to the life I didn’t know how badly I wanted until the test read positive. My husband has been a god sent and is there for me in every way he can be but I still somehow feel alone. Even though he is going through the loss too I just feel like he can’t completely understand. How heart breaking it is to have your body fail you on something it is “suppose” to do. Its hard to think about the upcoming holidays where I’ll be without the big belly I planned for and to think of trying to be happy/jolly seems like an impossible task. I also have this feeling of guilt that I didn’t want to try for a baby sooner… My amazing husband had been wanting to be a dad his whole life and I wasn’t ready as fast as he was. He had been understanding of my timeline and we planned on waiting but after a couple missed birth control pills I knew my body was feeling different. So when the pregnancy test read positive, (while I knew inside that it would be), it still shocked me. While I originally thought I wouldn’t be as excited as he was, I was completely wrong! I had never felt that kind of happiness nor have I ever felt so close to my husband. Everyday since then had been amazing. We decided not to tell anyone except 1 close friend until we were out of the first trimester. Thinking we should do that because that was what people do, and it would be our secret to enjoy for a while alone. But we did this not realizing the reason that people do this is because of early miscarriages, while we knew it was a thing we just assumed it would never happen to us. We were “young and healthy”. While I’m grateful for this time we had to bask in our secret alone and be able to fully be happy without others opinions, I also feel like people should know. they should know why I don’t want to leave my house or even get out of bed. Why for the past 7.5 weeks I had been sleeping most of the day and why my emotions had been running high. I couldn’t wait to tell people and explain to them that’s why I had been acting differently -“it is because I am pregnant” I imaged saying – anxiously waiting to being able to give some explanation for my behavior these past 7.5 weeks. But here I sit baby-less with no explanation to why I was acting that way. Unless I explain to them how overjoyed I was about this gift of life to only follow that story with the heartache I feel today. I appreciate reading everyone’s comments and wish I could see the healing in the future but right now I’m just swimming in sorrow.

    Posted 8.28.23 Reply
    • Ayana Lage wrote:

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Meagan. It does get easier, but it is so hard in the immediate aftermath. Sending love and healing.

      Posted 8.30.23 Reply
  17. Hillary wrote:

    I lost our baby at 16 weeks. And as her due date approaches my sadness grows. Each period I have following is a reminder. I’m working through not hating my body and feeling appreciative that I’m healed medically. But thank you for your beautiful explanation of how I’m feeling.

    Posted 1.30.24 Reply